It is strange but I only seem to update this when something bad happens. I tried to update this a while back and couldn't find the words. I received bad news today so now it is time to update. I guess updating this blog is a means of healing for me?

Anyway, my Grandma died from a heart attack on June 3rd. I took my 10-month old son and flew back to South Dakota for the funeral. I forgot how much I hate the humidity and was longing to get back to the dry heat of Arizona. The funeral was really emotional and I was really glad to see my family but am worried about my Grandpa. He moved into a nursing home and is getting adjusted to life there but losing his wife of almost 69 years has to be really tough on him. A part of me wanted to stay although I was missing my husband and daughter terribly.

Today, I have been biting my nails off almost to the point of bleeding. They are throbbing as I type this. I told David something is bothering me but I don't know really what it is. Is it that I am worried about my Grandpa, or my Aunt in Montana that is going through radiation therapy, or my Aunt who is in the hospital with cancer in South Dakota? Well, when we got back to the car after enjoying swimming lessons with our children, my phone rang and I saw that I missed a call from my cousin and my mom.....I knew something was wrong.

I called my mom to find out that my Aunt Carol who has lung cancer and tumors in her brain and neck was told today that the cancer has spread through out her lungs and bones and she has only days to live. I wanted to get into the car and drive all night and day to see her but that is hard to do with two small children. We had just booked plane tickets to fly back to South Dakota in August for a two-week vacation. Well, now it looks like my son and I are going to be flying there again real soon. I pray to God that her pain is controlled and she can somewhat enjoy her last days with her husband, children, family, and friends.

Weird but my husband compared life to poker today...you can only make decisions regarding the cards you are dealt and you can only be certain that more cards will be dealt and then you can make decisions after they have been dealt. No wonder I hate poker! LOL! I hate the not knowing, the uncertainty, the wait and see what happens!!!! That is why I had such an awful time dealing with our six year trip down the infertility road. Thank God we were blessed with two beautiful children. But I still want another - maybe I am too competitive and feel like I still need to control the outcome of having another child....this topic should be dedicated to a separate post.

I guess what all of this craziness has done to me is open my eyes and heart to the fact that I want to be around for my family as long as I can so I need to start taking better care of myself instead of only focusing on them. I need to exercise and eat healthy and study life and spend time with family and friends and be stronger in my faith.

I wish we didn't live so far away from my family in South Dakota and could be there while my Aunt is living her last days. I am thankful that although I traveled back recently for my Grandma's funeral, I was able to see my Aunt three more times after I had already said goodbye to her in Arizona.

Here's to Life........

Ahhh, how I miss the Peacemakers ten years ago...